Jason Lindquist (jlindquist) wrote,
Jason Lindquist

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Mom, I Had Sex

Amongst the tasks I need to finish to put my life in order is to get rid of some stuff I have no use for anymore on eBay. I've photographed everything, and I'm boxing it all up, when I run out of packing tape. No problem, it's 10:30 and the Wal*Mart down the street is open 'till 11.

Naturally, the place is jammed with Poway's socioeconomic detritus buying last-minute Easter items. Yes, I can say bad things about such people--they've had since February 15th to buy what they needed. This left me with Too Much Time to browse the headlines and covers of the checkout aisle literary offerings.

This month's "Seventeen" features an article on "How To Tell Mom You've Had Sex". The (lack of) speed of the checkout line gave me time to meditate on this.
From the home office in French Lick, Indiana, the Top Ten Ways To Tell Mom You've Had Sex:
  10. "Mom, I got to go backstage after the Eminem show!"
   9. "Wow, Banky Edwards was right about women's needs"
   8. "Mom, have you got a light? Mark's Zippo is empty."
   7. "Stretch out before my morning run? Nah, I'm still stretched out from last night."
   6. "I guess they were right about how uncomfortable the back of a Volkswagen is."
   5. "It's been going on for quite a while. Perhaps it's quite fashionable, it hasn't gone out of style."
   4. "I thought I got all the whipped cream off of the couch?"
   3. "No, I don't need a ride to school this morning, I did enough of that last night."
   2. "This one time, at band camp..."
   1. "How about 'Justin' if it's a boy or 'Britney' if it's a girl?"

Flipping past CNN, they seem to have run out of things to say about the suicide bombings in Israel and the death of Britain's Queen Mother, 'cause they're rehashing Prince Harry's use of recreational drugs. Once again, who gives a fuck?

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